3/23/19

Prior to leaving for Camp Lamentar, a recently established all-girls rehabilitation center for unwanted Girl Scouts set in the secluded hills of Rhode Island, Claudmilia set about the seemingly mundane (but yet surprisingly satisfying) task of attaching name tags to her laundry, tampon applicators and dangling participles.

3/3/19

In their latest move to accommodate those who were medically sensitive to the chemicals found in perfumes and colognes, the City of Dribblebaum sent notice to its residents asking them to refrain from wearing scented products, including but not limited to deodorants, hairsprays, deli meats, Vicks VapoRub, Irish nonfiction and the letter K.

2/28/19

After nearly thirty years of hard-core thriftiness, Gotswalda was, at long last, ready to book the vacation of her dreams: a four-day, all-expenses-paid cruise to Smashing Dick, Colorado, home of her only bucket-list destination, the Tomb of the Unknown Tupperware Lady.

2/15/19

Following a long career in the obscure sport of Welterweight Knitting, Ervinia rejected the traditional concepts of retirement by hitting the open road in her newly formed mobile business, Tony's Tampon Truck.

3/31/14

Known throughout the industry as Le Grand Nez, not many would ever suspect that Petronillia, Royal Perfumist and architect of the world's most presumptuous scents including Pomegranate Vomit Number 7 and Jubilant Ambiguity, was actually a closet Anosmic, the result of an unfortunate childhood toilet brush incident.

10/25/13

Overwhelmed by the responsibility and constant fame of serving as Pettybum's official Town Tailor, Dorberteenia left it all behind to use her sewing talents for more philanthropic endeavors and hand-craft hankies for the noseless.

9/10/13

Once limited to her home's first floor due to a paralyzing case of climacophobia, Zita triumphantly circumnavigated her fear of stairs by installing a Ferris wheel, thereby gaining access to her second-floor bedroom and Chester, her pet boar, whom she had not seen in nearly seven years.

9/4/13

Since having announced her lucrative deal during last month's All-You-Can-Eat Buffet at Ye Olde Bait and Lingerie Shoppe, Erentrude has been widely ridiculed for publishing her book, a sordid biography detailing the Not-So-Merry Adventures of Robin's second cousin on his sister-in-law's side, Frank Hood.

8/31/13

Following an extensive stay at Swigglebum's Center for Rehabilitation and Tofu, Euphemia was ready to testify, before her closest friends and family, of her long-held addiction and and vow to never again prey upon, illegally procure or otherwise abuse perfectly innocent exclamation marks.

8/26/13

After years of self doubt and extensive therapy, Aphonsia felt, at long last, ready to reveal to the world her miraculous ability to teleport herself to and from the exact same location - far more quickly than can be seen by the naked eye.

8/5/13

After conducting more than two hundred in-person interviews and verifying thousands of facts over the course of six grueling years - including nine months spent in the top-secret archives of post-Soviet Russia - Lawanda was at last ready to submit the manuscript of her latest work, a scathing, highly controversial tell-all entitled Bullwinkle: the Secret Life Behind the Legend.

8/2/13

Late at night, after having done the dishes and walked Robert, her pet cricket, Marishinnia would ponder her humdrum job at the Monotony factory and dream that she might, one day, leave it behind for a more adventurous career as a Conjugation Coach.